Some words I didnt meant to write

my life has always been about defence, defence myself from something, maybe from living somewhere my perception has been like that i am weak which i am, mentally physically, emotionally, energetically, my voice is stuttering, low self esteem, never communicated freely, never felt alive with people , always isolated myself which i call defending . defending from whom, its from all the people around me who speaks clearly who is somewhere in my mind are heavy. from my very birth till this moment , i had been with this feeling. whats the point of living such life, its torture. Yet I go on living , i was born with repressed laughter , i am not repressing it.